


inside of your head

by whitedamnroses



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, no ship but mention of a special person, so whatever floats your boat!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-23
Updated: 2015-10-23
Packaged: 2018-04-27 17:11:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5056942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whitedamnroses/pseuds/whitedamnroses
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jisoo can't sleep because he's his own worst enemy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	inside of your head

**Author's Note:**

> this is such a personal text ahh  
> I don't know if I should tag this but just in case  
> >>tw: panic attacks and low self-esteem

Jisoo sits up in his bed, desperately gasping for air. He feels like he’s drowning on the inside. It’s not the first time this happens to him so he knows that there’s no actual water inside of his lungs and that he won’t die from this but it hurts nonetheless and the loud thumping of his heart echoing in his ears won’t allow him to think logically of the situation. He tries to focus his thoughts on “breathing in and out”, just like he was taught but it’s hard. He’s overwhelmed with dark thoughts, taunting voices that tell him he’s never going to be good enough. His chest feels heavy and tears start forming at the corner of his eyes at the realization that he’s being like that _again_.

He gets up, careful not to make any sound and runs to the washroom. He already feels bad enough and he would feel terrible about waking up the others. He knows he’s a bother to them (even if they won’t say it) so he’d rather keep them out of this. Every single one of them. Especially one of them. Jisoo’s chest feels heavier when he thinks of that special person.

As soon as he closes the door, the countdown inside of Jisoo’s head comes to an end and he breaks into tears, back sliding down the door. He weeps loudly (not loud enough for the others to hear him though), hands tightly gripping at his hair in an attempt to find anchorage in something, anything, because he’s scared he might lose himself to this feeling.

“You’re worthless. You can’t do anything right. You’re a burden to everyone around you. You’ll never be happy.”

Jisoo’s shaking and part of him really wants these thoughts gone from his head, even if they’ve been with him for as long as he can remember. The rest of him, the side Jisoo always ends up believing, tells him that he deserves all of this.

Because Jisoo doesn’t hear random voices. He only hears his voice.

His own voice telling him that he’s a bad person. That he’s dumb. The voice telling him that he’s selfish when he makes other people worry about him because he’s not deserving of anyone’s attention. Because no one cares about his problems and “who do you think you are for thinking anyone would care, anyways?”.

And then a faint voice, almost like a background sound, telling him that normal people don’t feel like that. That normal people don’t stay awake at night counting their flaws over and over again. That he should learn to love himself more and to trust people around him.

The psychologist once told Jisoo it was good that he could hear a more reasonable voice, at least, but Jisoo only feels angrier at himself when he thinks about it because no matter how hard he tries (and God knows he does), he can’t believe all those words. He can’t find it in him to love himself, to forgive himself. To be nice and understanding with himself, the same way he can be to others. So he feels beyond broken. Definitely irreparable.

His sadness is suffocating, in every way possible and Jisoo has come to understand that the only way to get rid of the water in his lungs is to cry it out. He feels weak, he hates crying but the pain is such that preserving his pride is not even an option.

Jisoo feels guilty. He wants to be normal. He wishes he could sleep at night instead of worrying about how his existence causes trouble for all the people he loves. He wishes he could sleep instead of wondering if the other members really appreciate him or if they just pitied him. Because being with the members is what Jisoo considers the only blessing in his life so he worries too much about how they view him. Jisoo feels a knot forming in his throat and he coughs through the tears.

"I'd rather die than make it harder for them." 

Many times during that night, Jisoo thinks he'd be better off dead and he cries and cries because he feels guilty for being like this when all he ever knew was love and support from everyone around him. 

He stops crying after what seems to last hours and Jisoo thinks he’ll be good for the night. His eyes flutter shut as he takes in a long and deep breath. The first one. He feels like he's finally coming back to life, with air filling his lungs and warmth slowly spreading through his body. His chest still hurts a bit and he knows the thoughts are never gone forever, that it's only a question of time before they come back to haunt him again but for now, he feels better.  
And he feels tired, which is the best, because Jisoo knows that he needs to be exhausted if he wants to be able to sleep without going through a second attack.

When Jisoo goes back to bed, it doesn’t even take him a second to fall asleep. No energy for negative thoughts. Jisoo’s last thought before losing consciousness is a wish that he won’t be dreaming of anything; he just wants complete silence for the rest of the night. 


End file.
